Nightmare In NEW YORK (2011~)

Brains work in a funny way. I had a nightmare last night. I rarely remember any dreams. But when I remember one, it's usually bad. This nightmare reflected a few things that happened and are happening to me in real life. 

In the dream, I was in a class of my favorite professor who teaches neuroscience I took last year and psychopharmacology I am taking now. I never spoke to her in person because I didn't need her help with the class material (got an A+) and I didn't think I would be so into science afterwards. So this psychopharmacology is a good chance to let her know about me and to get advice. I try not to, but I can't help feeling pressured to prove myself in class. In her class in my dream, I was supposed to present in front of class, which I didn't know beforehand. So I panicked and frantically prepared for the presentation in my head while other students were actually doing. Besides this unexpected assignment, it is the reason I didn't know about it that scared me most. I somehow misread her email. This leads to my problem with the organic chemistry professor with a thick Indian accent. I could basically understand 50% of what she says. I can't drop the class because dropping it means delaying graduation. So I have been studying orgo for the last two days. Also, I got a rejection from the mentoring program through email correspondence. And I got another rejection last night right before I went to bed. It was from the undergraduate lab assistant position in Weill Cornell that I applied for one day before. She responded to my enthusiastic email saying she needs someone in the second or third year. I said I am a senior because that's what school classifies me. And it's her fault that she didn't specify that in the first place. I wrote her back explaining I won't be graduating in 1-2 years and asking her if there is anything else that doesn't qualify me for the position. No response yet. So there we go. Misunderstanding or inability to understand something is my biggest fear. When you live in a foreign country, unfortunately, this happens all the time. Of course, I got used to it. But I still can't get over it. It hurts every time it happens.



  • es 2018/09/04 21:48 # 답글

    어떤 마음인지 알 것 같아. 꿈에까지 나왔구나. 외국에선 더 그런 일에 민감해질 것 같아. 국내에 있다고 또 그런 것이 없는 건 아니지만. 오히려 더 미스테리로 남을 때도 있어. 글에서 늦게 발견하는 오타라든가, 안내문에 빨간 글씨로 써 있는데 왠지 그 부분만 전혀 안 읽고서 뭔가를 다르게 한다든지 하는, 부주의로 알아보지 못하는 것들. 완벽할 수 없다는 걸 이제 내 마음은 받아들이는데, 세상은 언제나 완벽함을 요구하기 때문에 내 마음만 평화롭네?! 이 무슨 부조화인지! 양자리의 특성일지도. 내가 기억하는 효진은 현실감각이 또렷해서 인지한 사실관계의 혼선에 더 당황할 것 같지만, 그만큼 오류를 순간순간 대담하게 수정해 가면서 (그 재차 보냈다는 문의메일 같은 내용은 나라면 정말 쓰지 못할 것 같아. 소심해서) 오차를 최소화하면서 결국 목적지점에 근접해 갈 수 있을 것 같아. 그러니 너무 마음 아파 하지 말아 ^^
  • hyojean 2018/09/05 12:57 #

    이해,위로,응원해줘서 고마워. 정말.
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